Saturday, May 24, 2008

the week that would never end

I've been thinking a lot this week about what my life would be like if I weren't a mom. It really is the absolute hardest job anyone could have and yet I wonder sometimes if my expectations are just wrong and if I'm too soft to be a mom. I watch as other schedule and daycare ("school") and seem to have lives beyond parenthood and wonder if my life will ever be "beyond parenthood". I barely have time to organize my house much less my thoughts. I don't have to time to organize my house. I'm still waiting for the organizing fairy to show up which is sort of like the tooth fairy only they leave things in place instead of money under your pillow.

Today I was searching everywhere for our car stroller and couldn't figure out what we had done with it. I was headed to the farmer's market and mentally went through my blur of a week to discover I must have left it in the parking lot of our local science museum when we visited on Thursday. Made a pit stop and what do you know....they had it! The kind man even left the parking booth to run inside and get it for me, seeing that I would have to move a small tribe without a stroller to get it myself. We live in a very honest and kind place. What more could I ask for my children.

So the girls have decided that their favorite game is A)not listening and B) screeching loudly when I am asking them to do something. This week has really been a test to what works and what doesn't, and yelling in response to their loudness does NOT work. Quietly lifting them and taking them to their room is slightly more effective but doesn't keep it from happening again. I know it's a "pushing the boundaries thing" but I'm ready to move on to another annoying habit. This really wears me out. Twice this week I have gone to bed before the girls and I have to thank Will for taking up the slack.

Meanwhile Phoebe is motoring around like a demon and will not be denied anything her sisters are doing. Beatrice has gotten her up on the first step about 3 times that I know of and Viv keeps trying to "walk" her around the house. She walks too quickly and ends up dragging Phoebe between her legs. AND Phoebe fell off the bed this morning looking for me while I had passed out with Beatrice in the middle of the night. (note to self-- put Phoebe back in the crib if leaving the bed to put Beatrice back to bed.)

Beatrice is having some sort of cough that would not stop and I have to constantly battle my own thought as well as the off the cuff comments of Will. (It doesn't help that his mom was in town last week commenting/worrying on every little thing they do. Good and bad.) He usually is very good about supporting my spiritual work and careful not to malpractice but I guess this one is sticking around just a little too long. So I'm faced with the thought that this is not working. My prayers. I have these conversations with my spiritual teacher in my head that really make all my doubts seem so silly and yet the comments are still slipping out. It may be time to actually call my spiritual teacher.

So as I sit and wonder what my life would be like without children... I think about the laughter of the kids as they ride their bikes up and down the street with their friends, and the way they can be so silly and yet so helpful. Viv and Baxter helped me put away the traffic cones after they were finished riding and the "SLOW" men who were bigger than they were. It was too cute. (The men aren't really slow they are holding a slow sign to caution drivers to watch for children. They are blow up figures like the punching dolls I used to have as a kid. So far I have managed to talk the kids out of punching them but I do see a fair amount of close drive-bys with the bike.)

Who else would I have to comb my hair and hang from it alternatively? The girls had quite the gigglefest on friday while I was trying to talk to my mom on the phone doing just this. It would be kind of nice if I could teach them not to pull so much.

My life would not be nearly as interesting and I would know very little about what is important, really. Don't get me wrong, you don't need kids for this but it does make you give yourself up to see outside of "me". And I really think they make me a better person. No one else in the whole world could get me to question the truth and reality more seriously than those three little people. And it also makes me realize just how much my own mother loves me. Which must be tremendous!

1 comment:

Ambley said...

Hi, Bella! I found you through TroutTowers and know you from Howard. :) I've really enjoyed browsing.

I'm so in awe of parents of more than one child. I was just saying to a mom of four that I'm amazed she has a shred of sanity left, and she just smiled serenely.

I have only one child, Aidan, who's 15 months old on Friday, so your comments on Phoebe are pretty fresh for me. I can't imagine life without Aidan and wouldn't want to. He's precious and gorgeous and loving and curious and funny and playful and perfect (and lots of other things, too). A classically "easy" child, he's not easy, either.

I feel like I'm just now getting my feet under me about how to be a mom and accomplish anything else at all. Don't worry - if I get too cocky about it, I can just look around the house and realize there's plenty more to do, but at least I feel like I can feed him well and have playtime, still spend any time with Aidan, and be useful at work.

I think the best thing about perusing blogs, especially of people I know to be "together" sorts of people, is that it makes me realize that I'm not alone in my triumphs or my struggles, and that nobody really has all the answers. I truly appreciate that.

Thank you for publishing.